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so how's life been, then? [may 24, '26]

nobody forced me to make a blog. i just wanted to make one. and yet for the life of me i can't really figure out why. i guess i pavlov'd myself into thinking that making an online diary would be helpful or something. whatever it is that led me to this, i now must reap what i've sowed.

so really, how has life been?

pretty much this.

if you're not acquainted with my personal life (it'd be weirder if you were, so i hope you aren't), i lost my father on the 7th of this month. the tears have long since dried by now and i feel like getting condolences would just reopen the wound, so just don't, please.

in the past months before that day, i noticed that i had been growing a strong sense of misanthropy regarding the current state of the world (and like, can you really blame me?). i'm not sure how my father's death affected that, but it certainly had some effect. i no longer feel as though people are pure evil, for one, but rather i feel just like... predeterministic? is that a good descriptor? i don't feel like my fate is in my hands much to be honest. this isn't new, i've gone through bouts of this before, but it feels especially strong now, and i don't know how to feel about it. i do know that i don't dread fate anymore. i actually find some comfort in knowing its not my choice to make. sure makes things easier.

i've always been a slacker, and despite that i get good grades. does this mean school doesn't matter? does this mean nothing really does matter? it was all predestined? am i gonna convert to calvinism??? well, to all of those i'd still answer no, which to some is probably just delusional cope, but to me i see that as me still having some hope. it's like, you still have some control, just not very directly at all. it's all up to someone else. like i said, i used to dread that and now i find it comforting. i feel like me, a profoundly clumsy person, couldn't really be trusted to steer the ship of myself. and i'm fine with that. i've learnt to be fine with a lot of things.

at some point though, i think this will wear off, and i'll realize i have to lock the fuck in or sink. i'm at the stage where i can recognize that, but it hasn't really hit yet. eh, that's for future me to deal with.